I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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