I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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