i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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