Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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