I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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