yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
