maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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