new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
