omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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