Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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