The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
