Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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