then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
