i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
