I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
