He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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