Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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