you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize