There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
