A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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