i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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