Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I deserve this hangover.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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