The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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