just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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