Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also, beer. Big fan.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
