It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
