Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
