i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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