I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
