everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
