Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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