Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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