If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
