I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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