sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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