Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
3pm strippers are depressing
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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