in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
