remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
