Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
