Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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