Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
