if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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