Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
