can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize