Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
