Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
