apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
