It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize