Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
