dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize