don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My butt remains clenched, sir.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
