I showed him my bush... on skype.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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