I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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