just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
