i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
