peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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