If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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