I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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