the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
