im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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