did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
