I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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