Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
