Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
