If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
