Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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