Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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